tcnetwork | Leonard Snart

I don't think that's the problem.

[He is. He's the problem.
But Leonard hangs up before Steve can answer.

There's a bottle on his desk and a stack of books neatly beside his computer when he answers the door.

Leonard steps back to admit him.]

[Steve isn't offended Len hung up on him, it's one of the reasons he came to his office. He makes sure his hands stay where Len can see them and he doesn't move into the others personal space even if all he wants to do is hug him.]

I wanted to see you. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping.

It's fine.

[It's fine because he says it is, because he'll believe it if he says it enough times he'll believe it.]

Drink?

Sure. That's fine. [Steve moves to sit in a chair across from Len's desk so he's as non-threatening as possible]

[They continue to walk on eggshells around one another and it's going to drive him insane before it all ends. He moves to the other side of the desk and pours two glasses, sliding one over to Steve.]

The board isn't wrong.

Can I ask why you feel that way?

[He makes a sound as he knocks back the first drink in one blow.] Because it's always me.

I took care of Lisa, I kept Mick's impulses from getting him killed. I sacrificed my life to save all of time.

I was naive enough to think I could have something that was just mine here.

[Steve swirls the liquid in his glass and contemplates the tone of Len's voice and his words before he speaks.]

I felt that way...before I met you.

[He looks down at his glass at those words.] Barry likes to call New Dodge the land of second chances.

I'm beginning to think I've used mine up.

Lenny...[Steve has no idea what to say or do...and his heart aches and aches to help]

I love you so much....and I have no idea what in the world to do to help you...I can't express how sorry I am that I...that I'm even a part of the reason you feel that way.

[His knuckles turn white as they grip the glass. He takes a slow and measured sip, doggedly hanging on to his composure.] I was broken long before we met.

Maybe certain things aren't meant to be fixed. Maybe it's not possible.

[Steve isn't sure there is anything at all he can say. If this were anyone else he'd be hugging them already...even Natasha and she's the most prickly person she knows other than Len....but Len will panic if Steve so much as even shifts position quickly and he doesn't want to cause any more pain. He doesn't even realize he's crying until a tear lands on his arm.

He looks at it curiously before slowly reaching up to wipe his cheek and realizing what's going on. Well...that's unexpected. He wipes his cheek and closes his eyes taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself down. Crying won't help this...at least not crying in Len's office.]

[And isn't that proof enough in Steve's tears?

His heart is so big and so genuine and there isn't a thing Leonard can do for him right now. So he looks down at his glass.]

I'm sorry.

[The horrible part is that Steve is crying for Len. Not himself. He is inconsequential.]

Why are you sorry? [Steve's voice is thick] Were that I could take away all the pain inside of your heart I would....but without it you wouldn't be Leonard Snart...the man I...the man I love.

[He isn't sure how much more of this he can take. So he stands smoothly, turns and throws his glass as hard as he can against the wall.

The shattering sound does nothing to hide his ragged breathing.]

I was never made for that.
Every time I try it breaks.

You never should have bothered. [Not with a disaster like him.]

[Steve nods sadly.]
I respect your decision, Lenny...but it doesn't change how I feel about you. I'll wait...I'll wait forever if I have too. I'll...get out of your hair...thank you for the drink.

[He sniffles lightly and sets the still full tumbler back on the table before standing up and heading towards the door. Steve glances over his shoulder sadly before he shuts the door behind him unless Len stops him from leaving.]

[He should let him leave, let him grow and move on and find someone better for him, someone who can give freely and love easily.

But Leonard is not as selfless as that. No, he's quite selfish when it comes to certain people. Still, the word is just above a whisper as Steve nears the door.]

Don't.

Please don't.

[Steve's hand stills on the handle of the door before he could open it. The tone of Len's voice stopped him more than the verbal request itself. He nods and turns around, hand falling. He shifts to the side and slides down the wall until he's sitting down looking up at Leonard. He'll sit there silent forever.]

[He doesn't know how to do this.
He doesn't know how to stop being afraid of the man who loves him.

His breathing is quick and ragged and he turns away, slowly sinking to his knees and burying his head in his forearms like he's trying to shield himself from a blow. When the panic and fear crest the tears come, silently. The only indication is a change in his breathing.

He wants to scream, to scream out his despair and his rage like the did the day he discovered his partner and best friend was Kronos and had threatened to kill his sister over and over again.

Failure.
Useless.
No good to the people who needed him.

There really was nothing left for him, but no less than he deserves.]

[Steve waits for a handful of heartbeats that fit inside of the span of about 500 years and every so slowly moves to kneeling. He hasn't moved from the wall but it's painfully obvious he wants to move quickly.

He watches as Len crumbles in on himself and his heart breaks]

Lenny....is it alright if I come closer? [His voice is soft...his tone soothing, he hopes. He doesn't move, his hands in clear view. Len is like a wounded animal and he cannot make any sudden moves or he'll risk scaring him and possibly causing him to lash out.]

[He folds himself down as small as possible, breath harsh and fast as the tears continue to fall.

Useless.
No good to the people who need him.

His chest hitches like he can't get enough air and a soft voice cuts through the haze in his head. Soft and hesitant and it only reinforces how much he can't be alone right now. How much he needs even when he's terrified.

Leonard tries to speak and fails, swallowing hard and managing a nod.]

[Steve moves slowly and carefully over to Len until he's sitting beside him close enough to touch but not touching just yet.

Lenny, can I hold you? [He asks softly waiting for permission before reaching out and gathering the other man into his arms and just rocking him gently if allowed]

[He's terrified and anguished and for as long as he's known him Steve has been warm and stable.

He can't say no. Tht best he can manage is a wrecked sound as he huddles in against him, tears still silently falling. He wants to be better, wants to be more whole.]

[Steve presses a soft kiss to the others head and just holds him tightly and doing his best to offer silent comfort and support for as long as Len will let him.]

[He's silent and trembling in his arms, sobbing in silence until he finally goes still and quiet in his arms.

He's so very tired.]

Leonard Snart

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