tcnetwork | Leonard Snart

[Leonard's eyes are screwed shut against the memories, breath coming in short and shaky pants against a swell of panic. A solid wall of fur presses against him, nose snuffling in to find his face.

Weak.
Pathetic.]

Don't.
Don't..

[Steve has no idea what to do. He knows he can't touch him like he might someone else he loved who was stuck in a panic attack. Touch often grounded him when he was in the throws of one. He opens his TC and calls Barry, the only person he can think of who might know how he can help.]

Barry, Len is having a panic attack...how can I help him without touching him?

[Barry doesn't reply. Instead he's there in a rush of wind, running up to the farm at normal speeds though. He doesn't want to startle Leonard.

He goes to Steve first because Max seems to have things under control.] Hey. Are you okay?

[steve shakes his head and points at Leonard]

Don’t worry about me. Please help him.

I'm here for both of you. [A firm grip to his shoulder before he moves to kneel beside Snart.

Soft words are murmured and gradually Leonard's panicked breathing begins to slow and ease and Barry sits back on his heels, relieved. He pets Max again because damn that's a good dog.]

It's okay. We're all okay.

[Steve could care less about himself. All he can see is Leonard curled up on the porch a picture of absolute terror all because his hand gently brushed his shoulder. Fuck he's an absolute piece of shit thinking he could ever repair the damage he inflicted on Len. He can feel his emotions shutting down as he closes off the fear and pain of a broken heart...Len comes first. Len always will come first.

Once Barry has Len calm Steve nods slowly.]

Yeah...we're okay. [His tone is rather bland, but it's a defense mechanism, a way to compartmentalize and deal with the current issue at a hand. He doesn't know where this leaves them but he's not going to push this anymore. He should have listened to Len..he shouldn't have tried again.] Everything's just fine. [They are so far off the reservation of fine it's not even funny.]

Edited (coding) 2020-08-02 20:35 (UTC)

No. [Barry's eyes sharpen as he looks up at Steve. He knows that mindset because he's been there more times than he can count.

A soft murmur to Snart before he's on his feet again.] Don't do that. You're not going to do you or him any favors like that.

I'm not doing him any favors with this either, Barry. I brushed his shoulder. It was an accidental, barely there touch and this is what happened. I can't do this to him. It's not fair to him. I love him too much. [His tone doesn't quite match the words, he's trying to be stoic and not fall apart. It's his 'Cap' voice as Tony would call it. Steve has always had a blind spot where love was concerned. He practically started a war for Bucky and he was just his brother for lack of better term. There isn't much of anything at all he wouldn't do for him. For Leonard...Steve's pretty sure there isn't anything at all he wouldn't do if Len seriously asked him to do it.]

I'm right here. Don't talk like I'm not. [A furious snarl as he looks up. He's upset and unsteady but he won't be discussed like some delicate flower that can't stomach small things without falling apart.]

[Steve has many adjectives to describe Leonard. Fragile and delicate are not on the list. Blue eyes turn to meet the blue of Len's still teary orbs and he has to fight to keep his own tears at bay. If Steve wasn't so fragile himself he'd likely have something better to say then what he actually says.]

I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I scared you. If you want me to leave you alone I will. I don't want to hurt you again. I care about you too much to do that to you.

[He snarls as he pulls himself to his feet.]

And I told you I was a minefield of issues before we even did this.

I'm not running.

Are you?

[Yeah...that look..that's confusion. Utter confusion]

You still? I mean No I don't want to run away, but I also don't want to give you a panic attack again.

We're peachy here Scarlet. Run along home to Cisco and the kids.

[That's as much a dismissal as Barry's ever heard and he gives him a nod before the speedster excuses himself.

Leonard stands up.
He's pale and shaky and Max is soft and warm beneath his fingers which helps.]

This isn't the first or last one I'll ever have.

[Steve fiddles with the hem of his shirt for a moment before looking back up at Len.]

Do you want some cocoa? I got some mini marshmallows.

[Leonard huffs softly, a nod as he moves to sit on the steps.] You know how I like mine.

[Steve heads into the house to make them both cocoa, his hands moving on autopilot as he tries to mentally sort through everything that had just happened. His hands shake slightly as the adrenaline starts to fade and he has to take a few deep breaths to still them as he adds milk and chocolate and the other ingredients to the pot to warm through. When it's ready he heads back outside and sets Len's cup on the porch beside him so he doesn't risk touching his fingers by passing him the cup. Then he sits as far from him as he can on the steps. No more accidental touching here if he can help it. Nope]

I've survived worse.

[A softly spoken reminder as he picks up the mug. He's broken in so many ways and here Steve is, refusing to give up on him.

On them.]

We can survive this.

[There's a klink, the sound of ceramic cracking, and then the patter of hot chocolate splattering on the steps between Steve's feet. His shoulders start shaking and he takes a deep breath to try and stop the sob working its way out of his throat. Now that they've calmed down...that Len is Len again and talking softly Steve can't seem to keep everything together. He sniffles and moves to stand]

I'll get a towel, be right back.

[Leonard nudges Max to follow him. Maybe he sent Barry away too soon.

He can't let Steve vanish inside alone, not like this. So Leonard trails after him, still keeping his distance.]

Should I call Barry back?

I’m fine. We’re fine. [it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself as opposed to Len.]. Just....jittery. Adrenaline crash. [Lies. But nothing a good cry alone won’t help.]

Don't lie to me.
You're terrible at it.

[He dithers a good long while before moving into the kitchen, closing the distance between them.]

Do you need me to go?

I'm not lying. And no, I don't want you to go. Please don't leave.

[Steve doesn't turn to face Len but his grip on the counter is hard enough to make his knuckles white] I underestimated how difficult it is to not touch you when you're hurting. When it's my fault you're hurting. Every single part of me wants to hold you but I can't.

So.

I'm fine. It's the only thing that's keeping me together until I can deal with the emotions.

[He turns slowly, there are tear stains on his cheeks but he's not actually crying right now]

I'm not used to being the big bad I'm fighting against. I can't just go out and punch myself in the face and teach myself a lesson about hurting people. I was as much a victim as you were but I don't have the trauma you have compounding it and making it worse.

I'm trying desperately to not treat you with kid gloves, to walk on eggshells, but I'm so afraid you're going to walk away forever that I can't help it.

[This is not Leonard's strong suit, but he owes it to Steve to try. He still keeps his distance because opening himself emotionally is going to be difficult enough.]

I'm not walking away from this. Us. [That's the easiest thing to start with, the one thing he's certain of.]

I don't like being like this. Broken. But it's a part of who I am. I was never comfortable being touched and now I can't.. I simply can't. [He looks down at his hands. Therapy can't erase a lifetime of damage.]

I wish I could change that for you. [A soft huff.] I tried once, to change my past for all the good it did.

I could have left on the Waverider after what happened.

But I didn't.

I'm not leaving, Steve.
Not until you tell me to.

I can't promise I won't accidentally touch you again. I had no intention of doing that tonight at all but it happened. If later on you decide touch is okay, I'm still not going to do it unless you ask for it or you initiate it. Likely even then I'm going to ask if it's alright. You have my consent to touch me whenever and however you want until I say otherwise and until you gift me with the same, I'm going to do my absolute best to not infringe in your personal space. I want you here Leonard. Always. Whatever I have to do to have that, I'll do it. Anything. Anything at all.

I know it wasn't intentional.

[Leonard nods towards the couch.] Do something for me. Sit down, close your eyes and don't move.

[And if Steve complies - he hopes that he will - Leonard will stand in front of him. The backs of his fingers ghost along his cheek, a barely there touch.

And very softly, Leonard will kiss him.] I love you. [Words he has struggled with his entire life, but words he knows need to be said.

He'll move to sit on the other end of the couch, Max vaulting up to sit between them with a pleased huff.]

Leonard Snart

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